Go Team Spork!
by Shidoni8
Summary: This is where I'll be posting my entries for Team Spork, an awesome LJ community, after I've written them. Different ratings for different fics, but a blanket M just to be safe. Same goes for warnings etc... Basically all about Jim and Spock and love.
1. Butterflies

Title: Butterflies

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Mild Language

Summary: Kirk is determined to have the perfect first date with Spock but fate, it seems, doesn't agree with him.

Prompt: Our First Date

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. But I can play with them if I want to as long as nobody's paying me. ^_^

Butterflies

James T. Kirk had faced countless dangers during his time as captain of the Enterprise. None of the monsters, threats of death, or impossible odds made him as nervous as the thought of his first real date with Spock. Stepping out of the sonic shower he felt a shudder ripple across his stomach. He tried not to think of butterflies as he stared at his choice of apparel. Not much to choose from when you only had various permutations of uniform. He put his favorite green shirt on along with the black uniform pants and shoes. Kirk knew this feeling; it was full of undeserved hopes and possibilities and frustrating indecision when it came to what to wear.

Finally leaving his quarters, Kirk headed toward the turbolift. He couldn't help but smile a little when he thought of the location of tonight's date. The gardens down in botany would be the perfect romantic setting, and the fact that Spock had a mild interest in plant-biology was only the icing on the idyllic cake.  
"Captain Kirk!" came the voice of his helmsman, Hikaru Sulu. Turning, he could see Sulu's head poking out of the door to the deck five rec-room. There were various yells and sounds of dismay coming from within the room itself.

"What is it, Mr. Sulu? I'm in a bit of a hurry."  
"I'm sorry, Sir. I know you have a date to get to, but this will just take a moment."  
"What?" Kirk entered the room to find a mass of people huddled around the room's replicator, to the extent that the machine itself couldn't be seen. "How did you know—"  
"No time, Sir. Come and see."  
Breaking through the group he could see the replicator was going haywire and looked in danger of exploding any second.  
"Back away, everyone." They did so and he approached the replicator, opening the panel on the front, ignoring the grinding noises and smoke coming from the mouth of the machine. The work was quick and fairly simple. Anyone with a basic knowledge of replicator functions could have done it. He sighed amidst the applause of his crew and started backing away from the machine when it suddenly spewed a mixture of what looked like oatmeal and mango chunks onto his chest and all over his favorite shirt. The silence that followed was almost unbearable.  
"This was really a job for an engineer, Mr. Sulu," Kirk quipped, releasing the tension. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go change my shirt."  
"Yes sir," Sulu replied, fighting a valiant battle against his laughter, "good luck on your date."  
After a brief visit to his quarters to pull on a regular, boring uniform shirt, the captain finally made it to the turbolift. About halfway to deck nine the turbolift stopped suddenly and opened to reveal Dr. McCoy, whose face, upon seeing Kirk, took on an almost crazed look.  
"Hello, Bones," the latter said amicably, "Where are you headed? I'm bound for deck nine, myself."  
"Don't you 'hello, Bones' me, Captain Sir. You never came into sickbay for your last medical checkup." The mildly grumpy older man grabbed the handle of the turbolift, "Deck five" he all but snapped.  
"B-but, Doctor," protested a bewildered Kirk, "I have to go to deck nine. I'm already late as it is."  
"Late for what? Your meeting of 'Sickbay Avoiders Anonymous'? You're coming with me and that's final."  
The lift stopped and Bones took his friend's arm firmly in his hand, pulling him towards sickbay.  
"Bones, I really don't have time for this," Kirk said almost frantically. The doctor was hardly listening, pulling hyposprays out of a drawer.  
"What could be more important than your health, Jim?" He rounded on the captain, looking him in the eye, eyebrow raised to full height. "Give me one good reason to postpone this checkup."  
"I—" Kirk faltered. But the good doctor wouldn't let him off easy.  
"Yes?"  
"I have…"  
"Dammit, Jim, out with it, man!" McCoy barked, grabbing Kirk's arm and shaking him.  
"I have a date with Spock!" There was silence as the echo of Kirk's declaration faded and Bones straightened up, regarding Kirk with something like satisfaction.  
"Well, why didn't you just say so?" he laughed. "You better get going or you're gonna be late, Jim-boy."  
It wasn't what he said so much as the smirk on his face that gave him away.  
"You knew!" Jim said with a burst of intuition, "Why the tricks? Why… drag me all the way up here?"  
"Aww," the doctor grinned, "I just wanted to hear you say it, that's all." He couldn't help but laugh at Kirk's expression which, despite its chagrin, also looked like it was about to break into a smile. "Just go have some fun, Jim." McCoy chuckled to himself as the captain left sickbay at a jog.  
All the way to botany on deck nine Kirk was grinning. There had been mishaps, but that meant nothing else could go wrong. He should have known better. When he got to the gardens the table was there surrounded by idyllic scenery and yet something was missing from the picture.  
"Spock?" It came out as little more than a gasp. He had been… stood up? By his own best friend and trusted first officer? Was it because he had been late? His breath came short, his stomach heaved and he leaned against the table for support.  
"Captain?" Kirk turned, already knowing it was Spock from the butterflies he felt. "Are you feeling ill?" Kirk's grin was back in full force.  
"Spock, this is a date. Call me Jim. And I am so sorry for being late."  
"No need for apologies Jim, I am late as well. There was a malfunction with-" Spock suddenly found himself unable to speak, mostly due to the presence of Jim's lips pressed against his own. Spock responded, kissing his captain passionately.  
It was the best date they had ever had, so far.


	2. The Only Certainty

Title: The Only Certainty  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: Spock is dead. That is the only certainty in Jim's shattered life, a fact which he drowns in alcohol and reminiscence.  
Warnings: Alcohol, Angst, talking about Character Death  
Prompt: Ain't no sunshine when she's gone (it's a song)

The Only Certainty

Today the sun wasn't shining for Jim Kirk. The clouds weren't chasing each other playfully through a blue sky like children at play in a park. Waves weren't lapping gently at the beaches of San Francisco, where lovers walked hand in hand searching for seashells. Everything wasn't, weren't, didn't, and wouldn't except one thing that was. Spock was dead. The only certainty in a decimated world which belonged to Jim. He wobbled toward the table like a planet with no sun and picked up his glass of Saurian brandy.

Jim had never been much of a drinker, but that had changed this night. Earlier today the Enterprise had docked, and the crewmembers were all warmly received, but as Jim was welcomed to his old position as Chief of Starfleet Operations he felt nothing but a dull chill. So he was to have nothing. Not the Enterprise, his ship, his home. Not Spock, his…

But what had Spock been to Kirk? They had certainly been friends, and… Jim would have been much more if it weren't for his damn cowardice. _'Yes,'_ he thought bitterly, pouring more of the mind numbing alcohol, _'James T. Kirk, former starship captain, is a coward. You've all learned of his great deeds, but he would be nothing… is nothing without his brilliant first officer.'_

There must have been something he could have done differently, and Spock wouldn't have had to enter the radiation chamber. Kirk was painfully aware of all the little strings that held together the universe and time. Just one Tug could change the fate of a galaxy. _'A butterfly in China…'_ And at the moments when it really mattered he failed to tug, couldn't follow through. It seemed that conscience did make cowards of us all because Jim had lost the name of action at the very instant when it was most precious to him.

~*~

It was almost time for the journey to end. As the captain faced the end of the five year mission he felt a sense of great urgency colored by loss. Loss because he would miss his ship and the adventures he had basked in. Urgency because he was due to play chess with Mr. Spock for the last time in less than five minutes. Of course he couldn't be certain of the future and thus couldn't be certain that they wouldn't play chess again, but they would reach Earth in a day's time and Kirk was unaware of Spock's plans after they made space dock.

If only he could be sure he had more time. Five years seems to go by quickly when you're dreading its end, and since the moment Jim realized he loved Spock he'd been dreading the thought of parting. That moment had been roughly two Earth-years ago when he had had to fight Spock to the death on Vulcan because his intended had rejected him, which Jim didn't understand in the first place. Who would reject _Spock_?

The Captain felt a blush lick tendrils of fire up his neck and pulled at the collar of his uniform. He had encountered sex in a variety of forms and even been in love once or twice so he could hardly consider himself inexperienced but simply the thought of Spock made him feel giddy in a way that no man in his thirties ought to feel.

The chime of the door to his quarters startled him and he went to the table to begin setting the board as he called Spock in.

They began to play, lightly discussing recent events and generally making conversation. The mood changed when, after making a move to put Jim in 'check', Spock leaned back and stared forward intently, lacing his fingers together in the way he did when he was in deep thought.

"Jim," he said, his eyes almost imperceptibly darker than before, "I would like to discuss something of a somewhat… personal nature, if you are not adverse."

"Sure," the captain said in a forcibly light tone, making a move of his own, "in fact I wanted to talk to you about something too." His thoughts were racing, should he tell Spock now? Who knew when the chance would come again. It was now, wasn't it? He had no more time. Or did he? "Spock," he blurted out, "what are you doing after we get back to Earth?" He was flooded with relief. He'd probably hang out with Spock on Earth, Jim could wait until then to confess.

"Actually, Captain, it is of that decision I wish to speak," Spock answered, looking almost unsure of himself. "I had considered returning to Vulcan, to enter Kolinahr and purge emotion. This time, aboard Enterprise, I have experienced too much… felt too much." If the floor hadn't been falling out from under Jim he would have been able to hear the pain in his friend's voice. "Checkmate."

And then he was leaving and Jim was trying to speak, trying to say _'Stay with me, feel with me,'_ but it simply wouldn't come. For once in his life he had no words.

~*~

Kirk rose, coming out of his reverie, and crossed the room to the window. He looked balefully at the sun and pulled a curtain down, shutting its light out of his life. It had all been for nothing. The anxiety and the waiting. In that moment, when Spock was dying in the radiation chamber, he had pulled his glove off and pressed his hand against the glass. Jim may have been too ignorant to save Spock, but he still knew what a Vulcan 'kiss' looked like. He dared to hope, and then shook his head, pulling another curtain shut. After his cowardice…the pale cast of his thought, he didn't deserve to be loved by Spock. And in any case it was all over now. Spock was dead. The only certainty in his world. James T. Kirk closed the last curtain and slumped into a soft chair.

'_There is no sunshine in my world.'_


	3. Home Movie

Title: Home Movie

Rating: M

Warnings: Gay Sex! Whoo!

Summary: It was just another day of tidying up after the Captain for Janice Rand, but when she finds a strange disk and absolutely cannot control her curiosity she gets much more than she bargained for.

Prompt: Get Naked! (NC-17(01))

Home Movie

Yeoman Janice Rand was a fairly reserved woman. She did her duty and managed to keep personal affairs out of it. Although she could admit to being physically attracted to the Captain, she never let it interfere with her job. It was another one of those long alpha shifts in which Captain Kirk was on the bridge and she was helping finish some meaningless paperwork and organize his desk. As she moved to place another disc into the stack she noticed a label on one of the discs that she hadn't noticed before.

It read, "Top Secret. Captain's eyes only. Lol." Naturally she was curious. She could understand why a disc would be labeled Top Secret if it was information from Starfleet or perhaps something classified, but why include a colloquial phrase like "lol", which had come from Earth's history but was seldom used today? Janice could recall that, hundreds of years ago, if you wrote "lol" after something serious it immediately negated and sometimes even reversed the actual meaning of a sentence. This obviously meant that the disc was not Top Secret and perhaps the Captain would not mind her watching it. She popped the disc in the desktop monitor.

The screen lit up, and the first thing she saw was the Captain's face, bright with a ridiculous grin. He backed up a little from the screen and Yeoman Rand had to bite her lip to keep from letting out a sound of surprise for the Captain was naked from the waist up. _'And what a chest!'_ she thought, trying to breathe evenly.

"Come on in Spock," the video Captain called, "I've got it all set up." What could this be? Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk were recording something, but she couldn't think what. A message to somebody?

"Captain, I fail to understand the logic in having a recording device present at this time." Spock came into view, sitting down on the edge of the Captain's bed. But, why was his bed in the frame?

"I'll give you some logic," the Captain said, grinning once more as he turned, strode over to Spock, and kissed him full on the lips. This time she couldn't help but let an "Oh!" of surprise and shock escape her lips. If the Captain and Mr. Spock were kissing, that meant she owed Mr. Sulu a third of her rec-deck hours. Now Spock was leaning back, Kirk now kneeling on the bed next to his First Officer, and they were kissing as though it was the first and last chance they would have. It was utterly spellbinding. And their hands were in constant motion, palms rubbing together, fingers intertwined. Janice sat back, she wasn't going anywhere now.

Kirk had gotten Spock almost horizontal on the bed and they were pressed together from thigh to chest. The half-Vulcan had removed his shirt as well and the Captain played with one of his nipples, pinching and pulling. Kirk began suckling Spock's neck, then took Spock's nipple in his mouth, always grinning, and bit lightly at the sensitive skin. He licked Spock's body lower and lower when suddenly Spock spoke up, voice halting with arousal.

"Jim," he all but cried out, "your penchant for lengthy foreplay is illogical at times." Kirk smiled devilishly.

"You know you like it," he said before undoing and sliding Mr. Spock's pants off. Mr. Spock apparently thought underwear was illogical too. His quickly hardening penis was exposed for all to see, and the Captain paused to take in the sight of a naked Spock before diving upon the half-Vulcan. Kirk grabbed the shaft in one hand and, reaching into his pocket with the other, removed a small bottle. He squirted the lube on his tongue, stuck it out for Spock to see, then began to lick all around the shaft, spreading the gel.

"Mmm," Spock moaned low in his throat, never taking his eyes off the Captain. Kirk took the cue and, without any warning, he placed his mouth around the head of Spock's green-tinted cock and went farther down than Janice knew anyone could. He came back up, all the way off, swirling his tongue around the tip while Spock involuntarily thrust forward and moaned. There was some threshold that had been passed and before Janice could blink Kirk was flipped around on his back, his pants removed, and legs up in the air.

This time the Yeoman did forget to breathe for several seconds and was only reminded by Spock's hand reaching for the bottle, which he quickly used to lube Kirk's entrance before lining up and penetrating him. They both froze, gasping and staring into one another's eyes, hands touching as before. Janice suddenly felt as though she wasn't only intruding upon lovemaking, but also love itself, in its purest form. From what little she knew about Vulcans she could tell Spock was reaching for a mind meld as they both reached their climax. They were good at multitasking for not only was Spock buried to the hilt in the Captain, but they were also kissing and melding and doing what she could only describe as hand sex.

There was a "whoosh" as the door to the Captain's quarters opened and Kirk, himself entered. Janice scrambled to take the disc out and hide it in her lap. He took in the disc and her flushed state of obvious arousal and tried not to laugh.

"Yeoman, if I may," he reached for the disc and she relinquished it, looking utterly mortified. When he dismissed her and she practically ran from the room he set the disc down on the table. Just looking at it and the bed where, yesterday, he had been taken by Spock made his dick start to swell and throb. Too bad Spock would still be on duty for another couple hours.

Kirk popped the disc in and set the door so that only a Captain, or a First Officer, could open it and reached into his pants. This was his favorite movie.


	4. Pride and False Assumptions

Title: Pride and False Assumptions

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Mild Language

Summary: Spock and Jim are having a lover's spat but nobody knows why.

Prompt: In the Doghouse

Pride and False Assumptions

Everybody on the ship knew that Commander Spock was upset with Captain Kirk, but nobody knew how or why their bizarre brand of bliss had been interrupted. Kirk would stare sadly at Spock until the commander happened to turn around, at which time the former would turn on the big, watery please-forgive-me eyes. A few times he actually managed to convincingly wibble his lower lip as though he were about to cry. It almost worked until the moment Spock turned away and Kirk gave a frustrated sigh. It was a good effort but each time he tried it Spock became even less responsive.

Individuals from Beta through Gamma shift had seen Spock doing research in botany, medical and sundry areas of expertise in the middle of ship's night. Although a half-Vulcan wouldn't need as much sleep as a human it had been almost two weeks and Spock was looking a little greener and thinner than usual. Physically, Kirk was in the same situation. Sulu, the romantic, said it was heartbreak. Scotty asserted that it was a lack of sex. McCoy knew it had something to do with their mental bond being weakened. In any case, the debacle was beginning to affect the well-being of the entire ship. Just a few days ago, on a routine diplomatic mission, Kirk had forgotten that the Malrexians (being a species with only one arm) found the use of both hands simultaneously to be an insult to the drawback of their biology. It had almost escalated to some sort of cage-fight to the death between Kirk and one of the locals when Chekov "inwoked" an article of the Constitution of Malrex which stated that an alternative to the cage-fight was the presentation of marmalade to the Royal Party. Despite the narrow save, it was obvious to everyone that something had to be done to get Kirk and Spock back together.

"Jim, would you just sit still for one goddamn minute!" cried the voice of Leonard McCoy from his office in Sickbay.

"I don't need anything, Bones, I'm fine!" He tried to wrestle away from the other man's hovering hypo-spray but it was a failed attempt from the start. iWhoosh/i went the hypo and Kirk scratched idly at his arm while muttering something about over-eager CMOs.

"Shut up. I'm just boosting your immune system, there's no way you're allergic to that. And don't try to change the subject," the wily doctor continued, closing the door, "what's going on with you and the hob-goblin?"

"Well, doc, it's been nice seeing ya, but I've gotta get back to work," Kirk said, jumping up and heading for the door.

"Not so fast," Bones grabbed his friend's arm roughly, pulling another hypo out of his desk drawer, "don't make me use a mild sedative on you."

"Wha- You can't do that to me, I'm the captain!"

"You, Captain-sir, aren't on duty for another eleven hours and have exhibited signs of fatigue, which gives me every right, should I find it necessary, to sedate you." There was a pause as they stared each other down.

"You sadist," Kirk mumbled as he sat down on top of the doctor's desk.

"Shut up," the other man sighed gruffly, but his demeanor softened as he slid into his chair, "The whole damn ship knows something's wrong between you and Spock and my medical opinion is that it's beginning to interfere with your duties."

"I know, Bones, I know… and we're working on it, okay?" the captain sighed heavily, standing up, "You can't tell from the outside, but we're totally working on it, so just, lay off for a bit."

"Jim," the doctor's gaze bored into his best friend's pleading eyes, "You know me better than that." Kirk knew this, but he couldn't sit in this room with Bones and play evasion games any longer. Regardless of what the doctor was going to do Jim was being suffocated by a tidal wave of uncertainty and doubt and loneliness and the only thing that kept him going was his pseudo flippant attitude towards anything serious. Bones, being his best friend, saw right through it all, but didn't want to push Jim too far if the problem could be solved in a less painful way.

"Can I go now?" Jim asked.

"Yeah, you emotional toddler, get outta here," the blonde bolted for the door, "But I've got my eye on you!" the doctor called after him.

As Jim jogged out of the main entrance to Sickbay he stopped short when he almost ran into a tall someone wearing science blues. Lifting his eyes slowly he met the piercing gaze of Spock. Jim's knee-jerk reaction was to grin, to smile for his t'hy'la but no sooner had the smile appeared than he remembered that Spock wasn't talking to him.

Spock should have sensed Jim coming, but he had been muting their mental link lately to avoid conversing across it. He hadn't expected to be bombarded so suddenly with the sight and smell of his bondmate. All beings are creatures of habit and so the commander had to exert extreme control to avoid taking Jim in his arms right there. These thoughts were circling his mind when Jim's face melted out of its momentary grin into a look of abject dejection and Spock's heart very nearly broke. But he was on duty and needed to keep his composure.

"Excuse me, Captain," the commander said, putting up his formal exterior again.

"Huh? Oh, yeah," Kirk muttered as he stepped out of the way and Spock continued into Sickbay and the medlab. A passing Dr. McCoy glared daggers at the half-Vulcan and grabbed Jim by his arms, dragging him down the corridor. When they got to the door to the captain's quarters Bones pressed a hypo into Jim's arm. The captain was such an emotional zombie that he didn't bother fighting it.

"Get some sleep, Jim," the doctor said, refusing to leave until he saw his friend into his too-big bed. Kirk was more than happy to fall into oblivion and he was out within ten seconds.

"Where is that green-blooded son-of-a-"

"Name-calling is quite unnecessary. I am over here," Spock interrupted McCoy's loud re-entrance to Sickbay. The older man gestured roughly to a private room.

"Can we have a chat, Spock?" he asked in an acidic voice.

"Provided it will be brief, Doctor."

As soon as they were cloistered in the room the doctor rounded on Spock, "My God, did you see his face? Do you even care about him? Why mess with him when he, and you, have both had enough goddamn pain to last your whole damn lives?! And do I even need to imention/i that this lover's spat is interfering with your professional lives, his ability to command!? Does that not mean ianything/i to you!"

"Are you finished?" Spock asked calmly.

"No! I-"

"Please cease your prying, Doctor. I fully intend to discuss this issue with Jim once he has verbally apologized for his transgression."

"What?! That's a load of crap! Like you've given him a chance to apologize! You've been avoiding him, and you know it, you heartless hob-goblin." In a split second the doctor was up against the wall, pinned easily by Spock's advantageous strength. After seconds of simply staring each other down Spock took several shaky steps back and McCoy leaned against the wall looking smug.

"I apologize for my behavior. It was uncalled for. You have a valid point in that I have not provided opportunity for Jim to apologize. Relationships tend to involve emotions, some of which can lead to irrational thought and behavior."

"Damn right, Spock, but you better just learn how to handle it," Bones said wryly. "You should talk to the captain before I tie you both down and force you."

Spock simply replied with a deadpan expression and a characteristic eyebrow quirk.

"Well, in any case you can't talk to him right now 'cause he's sleeping. But he'll be up in about eight hours so you could, hypothetically, leave him a message… if you wanted to." McCoy then left the room, only pausing on his way out to turn the desktop monitor on.

As soon as Kirk woke up he could see the monitor blinking across the room. Feeling better already he sat up slowly and stretched a little. Suddenly he remembered that Spock was still mad at him. All the vestigial happiness drained out of him and he had to drag himself out of bed to check the message on the screen. Seeing Spock on the screen made his heart want to somersault.

"Captain…" the half-Vulcan began, hesitating a little, "Jim, I wish to talk." Kirk smiled a little but also felt a small knot of apprehension in his gut. "I request that you meet me in my quarters anytime after you awake. I will be in until 0655 hours for your convenience. I look forward to seeing you." It was already 0530, he noted as he pulled his uniform on as fast as possible. Almost a minute later he was at the door to Spock's old room. He took a breath and pushed the call button.

"Come in." The door opened and Jim entered tentatively.

"Hey, Spock," Jim said as he approached the figure on the meditation pallet, "What's up?" He was going for casual, but his voice might have squeaked a little. Finally Spock looked up, gesturing toward a chair.

"Please, Jim, sit."

"Okay," he sat, fidgeting.

"First of all," Spock began, "I would like to apologize for my behavior. I have been avoiding you because of my own inability to deal with certain… emotions. At the time I believed I was justified, but now I see that I have been illogical and have made it difficult for us to reconcile. Second, I would like to do so. Reconcile our disagreement."

Both men were silent, Spock having finished his speech and Kirk having frozen, face in an expression of disbelief. After a moment he regained his thoughts and stood, smiling widely.

"Awesome!" Kirk said, grinning now, "I totally forgive you for avoiding me, so everything can go back to normal and you can move back in and Bones will stop annoying me… well, about this anyway and-"

"Jim," Spock interrupted, looking as appalled as Spock could look, "Before we can reconcile we each have to apologize, correct?"

"What do I have to apologize for?" Jim protested. Spock stood, clenching a fist.

"You…" he took a deep breath then looked up, "You do not remember?" Jim came toward Spock slowly, lifting a hand to rest on his bondmate's cheek.

"If I did, Spock, I would have said something by now. I'm not a complete asshole anymore." Jim laughed and Spock moved closer.

"I was under the incorrect assumption that you were too proud to apologize. I am sorry, t'hy'la, for not speaking to you since that foolish error. And you have never been a 'complete asshole'."

Spock finally gave in to his desires and took Jim in his arms, holding him tight and pressing light kisses on his temple. He let his mental shields fall and their connection resumed in a glorious burst of comfort and love. "I love you," they whispered almost simultaneously, gasping for air. Emotions could be painful, but it was moments like this when Spock felt truly grateful for every illogical emotion he felt. After some time Jim pulled back and looked curiously at Spock.

"So, what did I do anyway?" Spock hesitated momentarily.

"You kissed Captain Christopher on our last mission," he said.

"What?" Jim protested, but a look of understanding dawned on his face, then a look of incredulity. "That was _in a dream_, Spock! And you can't deny that was one hella sexy 20th century pilot!"

"That was a dream? Then I must have seen it through our bond. But it was extremely vivid, Jim, it was so real." Kirk smirked a little, trying not to laugh.

"Oh yeah, it was vivid alright." He laughed now as he threw himself at Spock, intending to spend the remaining hour before Alpha shift making up for lost time. "I can't believe you were jealous of a dream," he muttered before moaning and then losing the power of speech altogether.


	5. Reverto Vitus

Rating: PG-13 (or just PG, it's really quite tame)

Warnings: One swearword and a dangerously cheesy slashy ending

Summary: Spock must pass several trials to find Jim for the last time.

Prompt: "So dear do I love him that with him, all deaths I could endure." ~Milton

Authors: Collaboration between me and Goku_lover21 (her lj username)

Reverto Vitus

The sun rose over Romulus, slowly infusing each area with a sense of warmth, which, in only a few hours, would set. Spock stood beneath an awning, covered in shadow. After several moments there was movement from a nearby building. A figure approached him, speaking softly, "Are you ready?"

"I am. Is the ship prepared?" Spock asked, keeping his voice low to avoid detection.

"All ready, Ambassador. Please follow me." The two men walked some distance to a platform. There stood a small shuttle. "You should be able to get as far as Vulcan without trouble."

"Thank you, S'Hauen. I am in your debt."

"Not at all, Ambassador. You have greatly helped my people. Have a safe journey."

Spock gave the Vulcan salute. "Live long, and prosper, S'Hauen."

"Live long, and prosper, Ambassador Spock." S'Hauen turned from the Vulcan, rushing off before the sun had finished rising. With a weary sigh, Spock entered the shuttlecraft, checking all of the vitals before starting up the engine.

As he passed the Romulan Ozone, he felt the unfamiliar feeling of relief pass over him. He had no official reason for going back to Vulcan, and leaving during a common hour would lead to questions he had no answers for. He neared the boarder of the Neutral Zone, knowing he could pass undetected in such a small shuttle.

Upon passing the Neutral Zone all seemed clear, and Spock prepared for a slow, smooth passing to Vulcan. His eye caught something on his sensors. He checked his scanners, finding that he was heading towards what appeared to be an Ion Storm. Not seeing a way around the storm, he decided it was logical to fly through.

Turbulence hit the ship harder than he anticipated. Spock immediately tried to find the smoothest way through the storm, but found none. When the turbulence violently increased, Spock hit his head on the sensor panel, knocking himself out.

After what seemed like hours, Spock awoke only to find himself floating in space. His ship was nowhere in sight. Storm clouds surrounded him in every direction. He could not find a logical reason to still be alive after hitting his head as hard as he knew he did. And that is if you ignored the fact that he was currently floating in space without any oxygen. Logically, he had to be dead.

"**SPOCK.**" A voice echoed from all around him.

"Yes?" was all Spock could think to say.

"**YOU STILL LIVE. BUT IN ORDER TO CONTINUE, YOU MUST PASS THE TRIALS.**"

"What sort of trials?"

"**IT IS TO TEST YOU. IF YOU PASS YOU MAY MOVE ON.**"

"Move on where?"

"**YOU WILL MOVE ON TO WHERE YOU BELONG. WILL YOU AGREE TO MOVE ON TO THE TRIALS?**"

"I believe I have little choice."

"**YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE, SPOCK.**"

"So be it, I will participate." Suddenly Spock's vision fogged, all sound disappeared. Spock couldn't breathe; he felt his body changing, time flowing past him at a rate he could never calculate. _'What sort of trials will I be forced to face?' _Spock wondered, just before everything stopped moving.

The first thing Spock noticed, as his surroundings began to focus, was that he was standing in what appeared to be a field, surrounded by deciduous trees under a blue sky. Basically Earth-like in appearance, however he was unable to determine his location more specifically. He heard a female voice, at first muted, but growing clearer every second.

"I was one of the first to find them…" With Spock's vision fully returned , he quickly made a few observations. First, that he looked and felt much younger than before. Second, that he recognized the strange, flowering plant before him and the blonde, human woman to his right. Spock did not know why this particular incident had been chosen as a trial, but he was willing to follow it through to its conclusion. "The spores," she finished.

"Spores?" he asked, in much the same tone he'd used years ago on the planet Omicron Ceti III, before the aforementioned spores were expelled from the plant, as he knew they would be.

Intense pain suffused his senses, altering his mind and physiology, but because he knew it would be over momentarily he bore it in silence, wondering if foresight would have any impact on the effects of the spores.

Suddenly it ceased to matter. Spock raised his eyes and looked around, seeing the trees and grass, both brilliantly jade-hued by the light of the planet's particular sun, really seeing its beauty. _'This is no trial,'_ he thought, _'but a gift, given by a higher power. This is an amazing place, a paradise. I must find-'_

"Spock?" the woman, Leila, probed. He turned his smile on her, seeing her expectant and hopeful face gazing back at him only to be disappointed upon his next utterance.

"Jim," Spock said clearly, "I must find Jim and share this with him." He rose and attempted to leave but was stopped by the touch of Leila's hand on his arm.

"But Mr. Spock, surely that can wait until later," she implored. "I love you, Spock, don't you love me too?" He didn't even pause to think before he replied.

"I do love you, Leila, just as I would love all living things and marvels of the universe, but not in the same way that you love me." And he left her in the field, stunned to silence.

Upon Spock's arrival back at the compound, his communicator beeped just as he approached Jim and Doctor McCoy. He felt such immense relief, happiness, and love upon seeing Kirk again, just as the blonde man had appeared many decades ago, that Spock came up from behind and put his arms around Jim's shoulders. The Captain was so surprised he whirled around, dislodging Spock's arms as confusion overtook his features. McCoy, meanwhile, appeared almost flabbergasted at the sight of Spock smiling so widely.

"Mr. Spock, I was just… comming you." He gestured to his communicator, clearly unsettled. "Are you… alright, Spock, you look a little—"

"Emotional?" supplied the confounded doctor.

"Jim, it is most wonderful to see you again," Spock exclaimed. "This place," he sighed, "is a paradise. We can stay here forever and be happy. Everything we could ever want, at our fingertips." He placed a hand on Kirk's arm, "You must come with me."

"Why, Spock? Why come with you? And why are you so… happy?" the man was almost at a loss for words.

"There is a plant, Jim. Application of the spores from this plant causes perfect contentment and can make us all immune to Berthold Rays, the crewmen and the colonists. It is a happy, peaceful life, Jim. There is belonging, and love. You will see." As Spock spoke Kirk's face became more and more concerned.

"Spock, if what you say is true then we need to find an antidote right now and get everybody off this planet."

"No," Spock said intently. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Why couldn't Jim understand? _'This isn't right at all,'_ another voice within him said, _'it's all wrong,'_ it continued as Spock tried to ignore it. A memory from long ago came unbidden to his mind. Kirk was saying, _"No wants, no needs. We weren't meant for that, none of us. A man stagnates if he has no ambition, no desire to be more than he is."_ "Come with me," Spock insisted once more, trying to drown out his inner voice. Kirk was speaking, but Spock couldn't hear him through the haze of his own mind's protests.

'_Wrong, false, unfair. They--humans--need drive, accomplishment.'_ Trying unsuccessfully to subdue his true voice, Spock turned from Jim and McCoy, face contorted in concentration. He withdrew, almost completely, into his mind to find a solution. Through the amorphous representation of his mental self he glimpsed a part which was almost fully encased in a barrier. It was shouting and beating on the translucent wall, and Spock could only heart snatches of what it saying _'Wrong, wrong, all wrong!'_ the representation was yelled, _'You need me, you need conflict or you can't possibly call it living! Don't leave me here!"_ Spock understood, could finally think clearly, and he strode to the barrier, lifting his fists. As he brought them down he broke out of his trance, all traces of the spores' effect completely gone.

He had time enough only to glimpse the concerned faces of the Captain and McCoy before he once again lost the ability to breathe and all his senses slowly failed him, as they had before this trial began. Finding himself in the same floating storm clouds as before, he again heard the rumbling voice from everywhere and nowhere.

"**SPOCK, YOU HAVE PASSED THE FIRST OF THE TRIALS."**

He merely nodded. Even if the challenges were illusions, it had evidently been the right choice to treat them completely seriously.

"**DO YOU CHOOSE TO CONTINUE?"**

"I do," he said. He had only just recovered from the feeling of breathlessness when it overtook him once again.

As soon as Spock began to recoup his senses he was assailed by the impression of being inexplicably grounded and yet physically unwell. The sense of belonging and stability Spock quickly attributed to Vulcan. Not only did he see the land of his Family and the blistering expanse of Vulcan's Forge in the distance, he also felt the tug of the mental connection he had to the planet . This connection steadied him as he almost immediately realized that he was experiencing Pon farr, from which he accredited his physical illness.

Recognizing his once intended mate, T'Pring, he heard her cry "Kal-if-fee!" Spock only had a moment of clarity before he unwillingly entered the Plak tow, a biological reaction to the initiation of the challenge.

'_NO!'_ he howled mentally, but he could not speak, and within moments the fever had consumed his mind so that all which remained was an emerald fog behind heavily lidded eyes and the tense readiness to fight. Spock could have spent hours in the "Blood Fever" and never known the difference, but he knew it had only been a minute or two at the most when he was dimly brought to consciousness by T'Pau's harsh voice and could attend to the wedding party's conversation.

For the second time in his life Spock came to one of the most horrifying conclusions he had ever reached: he would have to fight Jim Kirk, his best friend and superior officer, to the death and there was no chance that Spock would lose, already having three times the strength of the average human and consumed with the fever.

Spock pleaded with T'Pau, just as he had so many years ago, to spare Kirk this fate. To save Jim Kirk, who was so brave, honorable, and painfully ignorant at the moment, from the end Spock loathed to bestow upon him. As before she gave the Captain his misguided choice, and as he took it Spock's thoughts raced. What was the solution? It couldn't be a simple reenactment, for that would be a most illogical trial. He was running out of time; the fever was continuously trying to consume him. What was different, or could be changed, from what happen before? Only Spock's own choices, from what he had observed.

'_That must be it,'_ he came to his epiphany quite suddenly, _'Last time I was too taken by the fever to do anything but fight Jim. And the part of me that had been sane was afraid of T'Pau's condemnations and insinuations about my heritage. But now, I am not as conflicted as I once was, as Commander on the Enterprise. Now I can make the choice I would have made, had I been as self-aware then as I am now.'_

Decision made, Spock seated himself on the steps by the fire-pit and delved down, as far into his own mind as he could possibly withdraw. Becoming painfully aware of every part of his body and the strain it had been under, he slowly began breaking links, one after another.

"Bones, what's happening?" Spock heard alarmed and confused voices as the Vulcans and Humans swarmed around him.

"Dammit! His vitals are all dropping at an increasingly fast rate. Jim, if we don't get him back to sickbay in the next couple of minutes he's dead!" came the voice of Doctor McCoy. Spock could hear Jim's voice then, demanding and controlled, but quickly silenced by T'Pau. Even when faced with such unusual circumstances she still insisted they refrain from interfering.

'_It is no matter,'_ was one of Spock's last conscious thoughts. _'The deed will be done before they can contemplate the cause.'_

"No!" Jim cried, as McCoy's predictions became gradually direr. Kirk spent those last thirty seconds of Spock's life pleading to the deaf universe for another outcome and, as the starship captain's voice broke and faded from Spock's awareness, the connection between the body and mind was finally severed. Spock was no stranger to dying, and yet again he found he could do nothing but embrace what came next.

The blackness of that space between life and death emerged between trials and the voice took no time in speaking.

"**WELL DONE, SPOCK."**

Silence filled the vast space. The force behind the voice was clearly letting him rest. Spock kept his eyes closed, allowing time to pass, and his body to recover from the recent ordeal. He had no idea how much time had passed before the voice spoke to him again. **"ARE YOU READY FOR THE NEXT CHALLENGE?"**

"I am." Spock felt his surroundings change, his eyes opened. He was standing in an open arena, almost like a roman coliseum. When he was sure the ground below him was solid, Spock relaxed his body. He didn't recognize the arena; it was not from his past. On the other side of the field he saw a figure walking towards him.

"**FOR THIS CHALLENGE YOU MUST DEFEAT YOUR GREATEST FOE."**

Spock's challenger's face cleared as the mist began to dissipate. It took all his Vulcan training not to retract from shock. The man that stood before him bore his face, his physique, and his hair from when he was younger.

Spock felt his own body had remained the same since his last challenge. This man could have been his twin, if not for the beard. His uniform was also quite different, rather than a simple long-sleeve blue sweater, he wore a folded blue dress shirt, with gold trim. Several badges adorned his chest, and a gold sash wrapped around his waist.

"_It would be logical for us to fight." _The other Spock said.

"Where is the logic in fighting?"

"_We must assume that we are trapped here unless we fight. Therefore, in order to escape we must fight until one of us is defeated."_

"I suppose it is logical. Shall we begin?"

"_I suppose."_

The two Vulcans stared each other down before lunging forward towards each other. Their strength was equal, causing neither to budge. The bearded Spock grabbed Spock's arm, flinging him over his shoulder to the ground. Spock hit the hard earth, causing a large cloud of dust to cover both their bodies. Loss of sight did nothing to slow the bearded Spock. He pinned Spock to the ground, raising an arm for a death blow, but Spock managed to free his left arm and knock the bearded Spock off of him.

"_You fight well."_

"As do you. This fight is becoming less and less logical."

"_We are equals in strength, but our backgrounds and skills differ. This fight is quite logical; you must defeat your foe in order to continue."_

"I see there is no reasoning with you. I suppose we should continue." Spock reasoned before attacking, putting his weight forward, forcing his bearded counterpart to his knees.

The bearded Spock managed to shift the weight, freeing his right leg, and kicked Spock's legs out from under him. He pinned his forearm to Spock's jugular, keeping the Vulcan pinned to the ground. Spock swung his arm forward, punching the bearded Spock in the chin, causing him to lose his balance. The Vulcan loosened his grip, but did not move from atop Spock. Spock gathered his strength, rolling, causing a switch in position between the two. "While I have your attention…Spock, I have something to ask you. You are aware that you and I are of equal strength. How is it logical for us to fight? According to the teachings of Surak, violence and emotions are deemed illogical. Would not the logical thing to do be to talk this over as men rather than fight?"

The bearded Spock stared up at him, brown eyes digging into him. _"I see. Your logic is sound. You are correct, as Vulcans we must not do battle as animals but as the teachings of Surak tell us."_ Spock, placated, stood, helping the bearded Spock to his feet.

"As two logical men, how would you suggest we get out of this place?"

"_To leave this place you must defeat yourself."_

"Defeat myself? You mean I must defeat you?"

"_I am you, but I am also not you."_

"I see. Unless I am mistaken, years ago when Captain Kirk, Lieutenant Uhura, Dr. McCoy, and Mr. Scott traveled via a transporter malfunction to another dimension, it was yours. Our dimension experienced the same phenomenon and we received the Jim, Uhura, Doctor, and Mr. Scott from your universe, correct?"

"_I believe so."_

"I am still at a loss of how to defeat you."

"_You already have, Spock. I attacked you, you reasoned with me. I realized I was acting illogically. Therefore, you have defeated me. You are far more aware of our differences, than our similarities."_

"I see. Yet I am still here."

The voice began to speak through the bearded Spock, _**"YOU ARE DONE HERE. PREPARE FOR YOUR NEXT CHALLENGE, SPOCK."**_ The arena dissipated, returning Spock to the storm cloud.

"**SPOCK, IT IS TIME FOR YOUR FOURTH CHALLENGE. ARE YOU PREPARED?"**

"I am." Spock informed before he felt his surroundings change once again. Before the fog cleared, Spock heard Admiral Kirk's voice call "What?"

"They're on a build-up to detonation." Jim's son, David, shouted. Spock saw them close to him. He was staring at familiar readings. He looked around, Jim and David were arguing about how to stop the detonation.

"Scotty, I need warp speed in three minutes or we're all dead!" Jim called into the comm. The intercom crackled, there was no reply.

"No response, Admiral." Uhura told him. Spock watched the scene play out before him as if it were a hologram. Everything playing out as it did that day eighty years ago. He remembered his realization of how the velocity of the Genesis wave would destroy the engines.

"Scotty!" Jim cried.

Spock knew he had to make the same decision. He knew this situation was not real, but it was a challenge, and he needed to pass. He heard Kirk yell at Savvik to switch to impulse power. Savvik followed his orders, spinning the Enterprise one hundred eighty degrees, moving them away from the Reliant.

Spock stood, knowing no one would notice or try to stop him. He made his way to the turbo-lift, going down to the engine room.

He ignored the flashing warning lights, and the bodies that littered the floor. He saw Dr. McCoy trying to help injured crewmen, while those with minor injuries were busy trying to keep impulse power.

He once again walked past everyone towards the main reactor room, touching the override control.

"Are you out of your _Vulcan mind?_" He heard McCoy shout, as he tried to stop him. "No human can tolerate the radiation that's in there!"

Without looking up, Spock repeated his original words, as if reading from a prompter, "As you are so fond of observing, Doctor, I am not human."

"You're not going in there-!"

Spock smiled to himself, this was so familiar. Dr. McCoy was just as predictable as always. However, reliving the event did not make it any easier. He sighed, turning to face the doctor. "Perhaps you're right. What is Mr. Scott's condition?"

"Well, I don't think that he-…" Spock cut him off with the Vulcan nerve pinch.

He watched the doctor hit the floor, knowing what he had to do. He bent down, placing his hand on Dr. McCoy's face. To his shock, nothing happened. Spock expected to feel his katra passing onto McCoy, but the feeling never happened.

He understood.

This was a part of the challenge. If he passed his katra like before then dying would be no problem. If he couldn't pass his katra, then dying would be the end. He stood. It made no difference; he still had to save the Enterprise. He went back and finished the manual override code, and stepped into the radiation flux.

Scotty, running into the room, noticed Spock in the radiation room, "Spock- get out of there!" He hit the glass, "Spock! Spock! Get outta there!" he spotted Dr. McCoy on the floor, and tried to wake him.

Spock ignored him, continuing his work. He felt the radiation entering his body as before. He reached towards the damping rods. The aura of radiation consumed him; he felt it entering his skin, blood, and bones. He drew the rods from their clamps, trying to work quickly.

Dr. McCoy was now awake and joined Scotty, both outside the glass, screaming for Spock to get out. Spock found his focus slipping this time. He remembered that last time he barely noticed their cries. His focus was completely on the reactor. This time his mind wandered. He knew what would happen; he knew he had to face it. Like the three challenges before, he knew what he had to do.

Everything seemed to speed up, and before he knew it he heard Jim's voice on the comm., "Bless you, Scotty!" Spock used the wall to hold himself up. Illusion or not, he felt the full effects of the radiation. After a few moments that felt like forever, Jim's voice once again rang from the comm. "Engine room. Well done, Scotty."

Dr. McCoy walked over, pressing the comm. button, "Jim, I think you'd better get down here."

Spock couldn't hear the rest of what was said, but both Scotty and Dr. McCoy had gone silent. He knew they were waiting, but the radiation affected his memory, he couldn't remember who they were waiting for.

Spock heard a rush of familiar footsteps, muffled yelling outside the glass. He turned seeing Jim stumbling towards the glass, before pressing the intercom. "Spock!" He called, his voice sounding odd. "Spock!"

Spock made his way to the glass, leaning on it, "Ship-out of danger?" he asked. He knew this. This is what happened before. He remembered this was all part of the challenge, but it gave him little strength.

"Yes-…"

This time, Spock decided, it would be different, he wanted to tell Jim what his Vulcan mind refused to let him acknowledge. "Jim…do not grieve." He felt himself repeating his old words, but stopped himself. "I feel it necessary to tell you, Jim."

"What is it, Spock?"

"My feelings for you…are illogical,"

"What-?" Jim cut him off.

"But in this case, I find it better to be illogical. Jim, I did what I had to. I was the only one who could do it. You had to let me help."

"Spock…"

Spock removed his glove, as he did eighty-some years ago, and placed his hand on the glass. "I have been – and always shall be – your friend." Jim placed his hand to mirror Spock's. "Live long. And prosper." He felt himself sink to the floor.

He didn't understand the point of these challenges, but it was nice to see Jim again. Spock knew he disappeared into the Nexus years ago, and was as good as dead. Even if it was an illusion, it was pleasant to see Jim Kirk once again. Spock smiled to himself as he felt his body transported back to the storm cloud.

"**SPOCK,"** said the voice, **"YOU HAVE COMPLETED ALL THE TRIALS. YOU CAN NOW MOVE ON TO WHERE YOU BELONG."** Having expected to hear that there was yet another challenge to face, it took Spock a moment to process what he had heard.

"Wait!" he called before he could be transported to wherever the voice deemed he belonged, "Will you answer one question for me? Why have I been put through these trials? What was the purpose?" A pregnant pause seemed to charge the air in the cloudy surroundings with tension.

"**YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK TO THE PLACE FROM WHENCE YOU CAME."** At this revelation Spock felt little alarm, for he had had nothing left in life except his work on Romulus, which could easily be accomplished by another. All his friends and family were dead, like his father more recently, or presumed dead, as Jim was. **"YET YOU NEEDED TO BE SOMEWHERE, THAT IS TRUE AS WELL,"** the voice continued, **"AND SO, HAVING INFINITE POSSIBILITIES AT MY DISPOSAL, I DEVISED THE CHALLENGES, USING WHAT I FOUND IN YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS, TO DISCOVER WHERE IT WAS THAT YOU WOULD BELONG ABOVE ALL ELSE. NOW THAT THE MATTER HAS BEEN SETTLED, ARE YOU PREPARED TO END YOUR JOURNEY?"**

"I am," Spock said, satisfied with the voice's answer. The crux of each trial had been Spock's decisions, or force of will, therefore he would trust what the being had understood from the process and the conclusion it had come to, whatever that was. He had thought he had had no choice in the matter, but Spock now realized that through his other choices he had indirectly chosen his fate.

"**VERY WELL. FAREWELL, SPOCK."** Rather than a gradual fading Spock seemed merely to blink before his surroundings had changed.

He found himself on the inside of a turbo-lift from the Enterprise of one hundred years ago. Glancing down Spock could see he looked and felt young once more. This couldn't be another moment from his past, could it? Had the being simply determined that his ideal place was the Enterprise? Was that true, after all the years in between? Suddenly the turbo-lift doors slid open and with a small gasp Spock realized why he was here.

James Kirk was sitting in the center of the bridge, leaning back in his chair, legs crossed, gazing at the view-screen. Spock took a wavering half-step out of the lift, uncertain that what he was seeing was not another memory, or a figment of imagination.

Kirk turned at the sound of the lift. Upon seeing Spock, his face took on a look of joy which melted, after only a second, into a sad smile.

"'Lo Spock," he said, rising from the captain's chair. "What are you up to? I wasn't expecting you." The last sentence seemed to hold more weight than the forced nonchalance of the previous greeting.

"Jim," Spock managed, for he was still practically speechless. If Jim was here, then Spock must be in the Nexus. He remembered trying to find a smooth way through the 'ion storm' and being knocked unconscious. The voice must be some authority of the Nexus, and that being had determined that Spock belonged here, with Jim Kirk.

"Yes, Spock? What is it?" Kirk asked, continuously unfazed. Perhaps he did not know what the situation was.

"Are you aware," Spock asked tentatively, "that we are both in the spatial anomaly known as 'The Nexus'?" At this question Jim almost looked affronted.

"Of course, I know where I am. The God-voice told me. But I haven't spoken with it in what feels like years."

"Jim, I do not believe that the voice belongs to a deity of any kind, simply an extremely powerful being whose influence is limited to the interior of the Nexus." Spock then heard the most amazing sound: that of Jim's laughter.

"Now that's more like the Spock I know," he said through his grin, "You don't usually even bring up the Nexus in conversation," Kirk's face darkened a little.

"Usually?" Spock questioned, taking a step closer, resting his hands on the railing that partially encircling the bridge. "How can you have spoken to me before, Jim? I just arrived in the Nexus."

"Oh, I think you up all the time, Spock, you should know. It gets lonely being in the Nexus all alone. I can go anywhere at the blink of an eye," he demonstrated by suddenly changing the scenery to that of a tropical beach and then to a dark city street and back to the bridge as Spock looked around curiously, "but that gets a bit boring after a while so I usually call you up and replay all those great things we used to do."

"I believe you are mistaken," Spock said with sudden understanding, "I am truly myself. I attempted to maneuver through what I thought to be an ion storm shortly after crossing the neutral zone after leaving Romulus and entered the Nexus by mistake." Kirk's face lit up infinitesimally, but he was clearly smothering his emotional reaction.

"I want you to be real, Spock," he said, coming around the edge of the railing and crossing his arms against his chest, "but if I want it so much, I'm sure to dream it up. You'll say anything I want you to say, so no question I ask could prove your authenticity. How can I tell?" The hidden vulnerability came out in his earnest question. Spock thought for a moment, coming closer and brushing the other man's arm with gentle fingertips, trying to communicate reassurance.

"Perhaps, if I cannot say anything to prove myself, there is something I could do instead," he said softly, proffering his right hand, fingers spread and hovering above the psionic meld-points of Kirk's face.

"You've… you've never been able to do a mind meld since I entered the Nexus," Kirk said quietly, "probably because you've got no mind of your own," his voice was choked suddenly as though he were about to cry. Kirk shut his eyes and pressed his face forward into Spock's open hand, searching for stability. As the link was established he gripped the railing with one hand and Spock's wrist with the other. Spock opened a channel between their minds, yet he guarded it closely to see that Kirk wasn't overwhelmed.

Tentatively, he entered Jim's mind, sensing the stagnant lassitude that the Nexus had presented and the repeated ups and downs of encountering Spock again and again only to be painfully reminded that he was, each time, simply a replica and capable of nothing but repetition and empty wish-fulfillment. Spock grimaced, assaulted by this emotional pain, and tried to feed comfort through the mental link that used to be so strong. As soon as Kirk realized the reality of the situation he focused on the meld, letting down his emotional shields and giving Spock access to everything he felt or thought. Spock's attempts to be guarded were overthrown as he, not Kirk, was the one overwhelmed with the other's emotions and his own began to escape their restraints. The floodgates were opened.

They fell, together, down into a swirling pool. It was deep with history, bubbling with joy and warm with love. As the current carried them under the surface Spock saw himself through Jim's eyes: dark and mysterious at first, loyal to a fault, brilliant but unaffected by ego, and most of all: he was the center of Jim's universe. Spock couldn't help but let out a cascade of his own emotions, buried for years as a young man: warmth of belonging on the Enterprise because of Jim's welcoming nature and their comfortable friendship, the fear when he was uncertain and still trying desperately to cling to the Vulcan way, the remorse and guilt of the years he'd spent away from Jim's side, and the complete contentment of the time they had had together. Settling into this state, of being more one than separate, they floated toward the surface of the limpid pool, which had gone still.

Opening their eyes simultaneously, Spock and Jim found themselves in a field of gorgeous wildflowers. Jim smiled a little and leaned on Spock for support, weakened by the formation of the bond which they had just endured unprepared.

"_Where are we?"_ he asked Spock without speaking, choosing to test the power of their mental connection instead.

"_This is a place we visited on shore leave once, almost at the center of Yosemite National Park. I believe you called it 'the site of Heaven on Earth,' at the time. I thought it was a fitting resting place after what we have just endured."_

"_Yes, well,"_ Kirk conceded, _"you were with me at the time, my love, so it was bound to be Heaven."_

Spock pulled back, smiling with ineffable adoration. _"That is, and was, precisely my thought as well, T'hy'la."_

"_You've called me that before,"_ Jim joked even as he was suffused with pleasure at the term.

"This time, T'hy'la," Spock said aloud, "I will never stop doing so."

"Well we've only got forever," Jim said, grinning into the kiss he pulled his eternal bond-mate into.


End file.
